Easter weekend was lovely and relaxed right up until I realised there is still work to do! Busy week ahead. We had a wonderful Easter brunch, I made fruit salad and baked croissants, there were brightly coloured boiled eggs and cute little chicks made of butter. I wanted lambs but the restaurant supplier never received their orders, chicks it was!
*peeppeep eat me, im buttery and delicious peeppeep*
This weekend I also had something of a realisation concerning dieting and how this dieting mentality is ruining me. The up down yo yo misery when it doesnt work and the incredible highs when it does and all the praise comes pouring in. Why do it? Why torture myself any longer? I don't fall into the category of people who feel failure or guilt or a need to flog themselves when things aren't going well... as well is defined as eating perfect amount of calories and working out to burn x calories.
I realised that the only time i feel bad about myself is when i read weightloss related propaganda and think there must be something wrong with me if i don't feel bad for not looking a certain way.
There was actual meditation. I asked myself to answer honestly.
"can i be happy living without having the purpose of being a weight loser?"
-- yes but it will take work to shake all the years of programming and finding a new purpose.
"can i focus on overall health and mental wellbeing without whining about not fitting in smaller jeans?"
--yes but will take time and emotional effort to shed the stigma that i am not healthy now, in this moment.
"can i eat and move without tracking or freaking out?"
--yes, with a new focus in place --running a 10k-- and trusting my knowledge of nutrition, there is no need to track.
I think the greatest barrier to my living the way i want: without a scale, a food tracker or an exercise calorie counter rolling through my mind is the programming.
Since starting work in 1999, when I encountered the very first diet pill ad (apple pectin) in a cosmo magazine, which i bought immediately by the way... I have felt there is something wrong with me. In all honesty, a fat person shouldn't want to be fat right? Everyone wants to be skinny and adored and flawlessly perfect with a dream life.
It has taken a long time to realise my own worth and how it is NOT wrapped up in weight or even how I look.
When I went home for xmas, they didn't shun me at the door the way I wanted them too because by god fat people don't deserve to live or love or be loved or have a life or do anything they want to.
Solitary confinement is my punishment, nevermind that it has been self induced confinement.
I'm the only one who thinks there is something wrong with the way i am which means I am the one who needs to change.
So this is me, changing.
I now realise there was nothing wrong with the way I was originally, not feeling or understanding guilt or failure or anything negative associated with weight. From now on I listen to my own personal truth, the scale is going into solitary confinement and I'm going on a quest to find myself again.
The self who loved long distance running, being social on weekends, going shopping for what fits NOW, not 3 sizes from now. Laughing and loving and being outgoing.
Dammit we deserve to be happy NOW!
