If you had access to my old blog you probably still do!

Meatless monday

I looove meat but sometimes a girl just wants beans'n'rice


Ingredient lineup



Turned out absolutely delicious! Very filling.

My what lovely coconuts you have

Guess I forgot to write something here, bit absent minded! I have just been obsessing about my coconut oil all day. Mmmmmm coconut oil.

That and the fact that my nut supply is running dangerously low! Hopefully they get here soon so I can restock my jars.

Time to whip the winter duvet off the bed! Hurray summer is here! It's 20 right now and is supposed to be just as beautiful all week, niiiice!

The trees are blooming, the sun is shining, the birds are signing and I'm just so happy that I will probably shit daisies.

3 positives since abandoning the dieting mentality:

1. I feel happier
2. I feel healthier
3. I can eat whatever I want and am always the perfect weight

3 negatives since abandoning the dieting mentality:

uuuhhhh....

OH! I have nothing to obsess about!


Wait, yes I do.
1. The state of my summer wardrobe is absolutely appalling and I have NO MONEY to fix the issue!
2. The nerd is being pulled in a million different directions in terms of what he wants work wise and it's totally stressing him out therefor totally stressing me out
3. I'm not entirely sure I want to live in Americanaland

Ohhhh I get it! The negative to abandoning the dieting mentality is that my mind is free to obsess about stuff that ACTUALLY MATTERS!

I get it :D

Now, where the hell is my coconut oil?

***update***

Ask and ye shall receive! It just arrived laaaaa blessed be the coconut ooooil

To wait!

Mary you are right, limbo is not a nice place to be, especially with life altering decisions. I'm not so much in a dieting mindset anymore and my beliefs have changed radically, I will always be the same person despite the number so I'm so over the obsession and getting on with living life while this is actual truly life changing stuff. International immigration type stuff, huge really. We talked and came to a mutual decision

We shall WAIT because everything is largely based on how certain interviews pan out and since we won't know anything absolute for up to 8 months , we have decided to wait and be patient because it's something huge and worth waiting for. At least I think it's worth waiting for! I will be able to reveal more as time goes on but it's all good stuff.

Has anyone ever been scoooobadivin'? Should a gal be quite fit to do so? I'm not sure how strenuous it is but if there are some guidelines like being able to run 20 mins without dying, I'd better get a move on because we've been invited and hell yes it would be FUN. Sometime in august there will be much underwater searching. I wonder how much one of those cameras cost, I shall need proof of my mermaid finds after all.

How to be sprouty

I can tell you through experience how NOT to be sprouty!


Observe:





I have grown up with a mother who sprouted and I absolutely love sprouts so when I set out to sprout my first mung beans (for my stir fries) I thought it would be eeaaaasy.

The majority of the process IS easy, if you know what you're doing.

See I thought hey, a portion of beans is this much of a cup so that will produce (in theory) so many beansprouts.

Ohhhhh how wrong was I?!

I put a seemingly piddly 0.5c of mung beans in and 4 days later I have something not even half way finished growing and already threatening to burst out of the mason jar.

You see for the amount of bean sprouts I wanted, I actually only should have done a couple tablespoons. The amount seen here will grow to uncontrollable proportions! I shall have to divide amongst 3 more jars.

hooo boy. Just goes to show, research is sometimes a necessary evil as all sprouts are not created equal. Mung beans and alfalfa are nothing alike my friends, nothing.

you and all your silly English kaniggets

The problem with learning a language out of a book and on cd is that it takes a while to have the ability to translate really useful phrases out of Monty Python movies or foulness in general.

Learning Italian while living in Italy took a couple years, there is something about that language which so resembles French that makes me completely resistant to it.

Dutch however, was a breeze and it has a good mouth/throat feel, a language you can really sink your teeth in to. Living here made it that much easier.

Then again I'm quite partial to the Nordic languages so thought HEY! Russian, cool, I've been obsessed with Russia since I could form an opinion without drugs -- don't be fooled, it wasn't that long ago.

I started Russian lessons sometime last year? Since butting heads with the tutor, I stubbornly exclaimed I am very capable of learning this language on my own. Of course that is just nuts.

See Russian is nothing like any language I've ever experienced and in fact, I think Russian, suomi and Japanese are a few of the languages existing today which are in a category of their own. It doesn't matter how many languages you have under your belt, Russian is a damned challenge!

Crazy happy fun

Life is nuts at the moment but it's so fun who can complain?! I'm just loving the unpredictability and making plans that can change on a moments notice depending on the outcome of a decision or two. Exciting!
My weight session was so intense last night it's a struggle to life my coffee between typing words.

It's a damned good pain. Have I lost weight since getting back into the program? Not really but my shape is slowly getting back "to normal" which is the most amazing part of the regular workouts.

Well, that and the constant positive mood! I haven't been this happy since December 23rd and must admit it's nice to feel this way after 3 months of misery, it is like the heavy suffocating blanket has lifted. Or at least has changed to a nice light sheet. Maybe it's not completely gone yet but these things take time. Especially without medication!

I've also realised that wanting to be healthy and happy despite the number is ok, I can still be healthy at whatever size and STILL want to lose weight.

It's an ongoing journey and full of interesting surprises!


Lixue wonders what all the fuss was in the first place

sugarbeast

It's 00:40 and the cravingbeast is keeping me awake. Headaches, cravings, general madness! What's not to love about a detox process ;)

As the badness exits the system it rears up in rebellion making me want everything which made me ill in the first place. Uuuurrggg first day is always the worst! All i know is that it's worth it in the end, just the first few days are a bit tough.

Come on body, you've done it before you can do it again. On the road to wellness and happiness. Step by step!

Tomorrow, an extra litre of water and a good sweat session to help the process along. I've also decided to break my remaining weight loss into 5kg chunks instead of looking at it as a whole which has been a real damper on my motivation to even start. Breaking it into chunks makes it seem easy somehow, that I only have to focus on little bits. Now instead of dreading the entire process I'm starting to look forward to it! First though, to get through this detox and wash the chemicals out! Get back to my "nature makes everything i need" mindset.

Except chocolate of course, nature doesn't make chocolate and I still need that ;)

Home?

The Nerd is off fixing things in the land of mermaids as we speak, he'll be home by tonight. It'll be a couple months till we hear which direction they are likely to send us.

Mermaid direction or Canadialand direction. DG was saying how she's now 5yrs in land of Scots and it got me to thinking about the whole expat lifestyle. Being torn between 2, sometimes 3 places you call home.

It's not easy, it hurts a lot of the time and it can be lonely. You miss so many birthdays, anniversaries, funerals, births, weddings and holidays in general when there isn't enough money to fly out at a moments notice.
Maybe it's just my personal experience but I missed 7 years worth because we were financially depleted building a nerdy empire.

Now that it's a possibility to go a couple times/year we hear it may also be a possibility that "they" will be sending us in that direction anyway so hurray! Happiness right? Oh but wait, well it's also a possibility to be sent in another direction. Really now!
Well it is the city I've always dreamt of so only good things right?!

Sure, after promising everyone at 'home' we'll be back. Now it could be another 5-7 years of biannual visits?
It took me a long time to realise that it's no good promising people things if not 100% capable of delivering ;)

Life changes at a moments notice. I'm now pretty much set on the idea of buying a 10 bedroom house so there's plenty of space for everyone to visit, then stop promising them constant visits and letting it be well known that if you wanna visit, COME ON OVER THIS WAY :D

Nope, it ain't easy bein' an expat torn between different loves and lives.

shhhh

I did something naughty and bought a bag to cheer myself up ;)




It's soft'n'fuzzy and I love it to bits. I'm not into brands or anything and wouldn't be caught dead spending a ton of money on things like bags and shoes when I can do something smart like invest it, I just can't convince myself that it's worth it... if I love it I buy it without looking at names or price tags.

Buying a bag is never naughty in and of itself but the taxservice is coming down hard on us this year --as they tend to do-- and because we went a little crazy on our holiday spending an entire months salary in 3 weeks, we had to tell the taxservice to be patient and they are throwing little fits.

This only means I won't be dipping in to the clothing allowance any time soon but one wee bag doesn't make so much difference... Plus, HAPPY!

Love love love it, almost as much as cheese and not nearly as much as I love mah sexxaaaaay NERD!

ignore the neuroses

That happens sometimes, everything building up then there are a series of small explosions in my brain and all is reset like a computer rebooting itself.

All is perfectly fine now, well as fine as things ever will be on this side of the loony fence ;)

here a llama there a llama and another little llama

spring?!

Where is spring now? It has been snowing! In my previous years of experience, the latest we've ever had snow is around valentines day... never this late into march. The daffodils should be blooming, not frozen to death. Poor little daffodils!


Easter weekend was lovely and relaxed right up until I realised there is still work to do! Busy week ahead. We had a wonderful Easter brunch, I made fruit salad and baked croissants, there were brightly coloured boiled eggs and cute little chicks made of butter. I wanted lambs but the restaurant supplier never received their orders, chicks it was!




*peeppeep eat me, im buttery and delicious peeppeep*





This weekend I also had something of a realisation concerning dieting and how this dieting mentality is ruining me. The up down yo yo misery when it doesnt work and the incredible highs when it does and all the praise comes pouring in. Why do it? Why torture myself any longer? I don't fall into the category of people who feel failure or guilt or a need to flog themselves when things aren't going well... as well is defined as eating perfect amount of calories and working out to burn x calories.

I realised that the only time i feel bad about myself is when i read weightloss related propaganda and think there must be something wrong with me if i don't feel bad for not looking a certain way.

There was actual meditation. I asked myself to answer honestly.

"can i be happy living without having the purpose of being a weight loser?"
-- yes but it will take work to shake all the years of programming and finding a new purpose.

"can i focus on overall health and mental wellbeing without whining about not fitting in smaller jeans?"
--yes but will take time and emotional effort to shed the stigma that i am not healthy now, in this moment.

"can i eat and move without tracking or freaking out?"
--yes, with a new focus in place --running a 10k-- and trusting my knowledge of nutrition, there is no need to track.


I think the greatest barrier to my living the way i want: without a scale, a food tracker or an exercise calorie counter rolling through my mind is the programming.

Since starting work in 1999, when I encountered the very first diet pill ad (apple pectin) in a cosmo magazine, which i bought immediately by the way... I have felt there is something wrong with me. In all honesty, a fat person shouldn't want to be fat right? Everyone wants to be skinny and adored and flawlessly perfect with a dream life.

It has taken a long time to realise my own worth and how it is NOT wrapped up in weight or even how I look.

When I went home for xmas, they didn't shun me at the door the way I wanted them too because by god fat people don't deserve to live or love or be loved or have a life or do anything they want to.
Solitary confinement is my punishment, nevermind that it has been self induced confinement.
I'm the only one who thinks there is something wrong with the way i am which means I am the one who needs to change.

So this is me, changing.

I now realise there was nothing wrong with the way I was originally, not feeling or understanding guilt or failure or anything negative associated with weight. From now on I listen to my own personal truth, the scale is going into solitary confinement and I'm going on a quest to find myself again.

The self who loved long distance running, being social on weekends, going shopping for what fits NOW, not 3 sizes from now. Laughing and loving and being outgoing.

Dammit we deserve to be happy NOW!

Little Mermaid

M is off to the land of the little mermaid again but I won't be going on this trip. He's going to fly in the evening, sleep, fix stuff and fly home same evening.

I'm starting to think if we go long long term (freelancer style long term) with this company then we may just end up moving there! Now what an exciting adventure that would be. Depends on a million different things of course and only time will tell.

Till then there is work to be done, tools to be finished and plans to be made. Life to be lived in general!

Go live life! I have nothing to blog about publicly, time to live life! Now if it would only stop bloody raining!

2008

Is it just me or does 2008 feel like one of those years where it's freaking impossible to get your shit together?

There are a million decisions to be made! life changing decisions! and there comes a point when you want to throw everything in the trash and lock yourself inside for eternity and not have to do a thing!

I hope i come back in the next life as a cat.

Finally!!!

It has arrived! The book! DG, I thumbed through the whole thing to see the little character fly off. Fun times!

update: just loving it. love love love loving it

ahhhh alone at last!

M is off for the week to Denmark so I'm free to do whatever raunchy unpleasantries that strike my twisted fancy! HURRAY!!

Who am I kidding, I did that when he was around... it just feels FUN that it will all happen while he's away. Because while the dog is away the cat will play prrrwwwooorrrr

Of course he'll probably call everyday so I won't get much opportunity to miss him and perhaps he shall bring me something pretty... what is danish? Ohhh that little mermaid statue, yes, maybe he will bring me that. Then I can sell it on ebay to fund my education.

What is a very Danish souvenir? I can't think of anything... Are danishes (the pastry) even remotely Danish? I think Danes should consider calling themselves danishes because it's just so charming! It makes them sound sweet and deliciously edible.

My partner will come back slightly wiser and hopefully with that raise in place they talked about in january -- sure taking their time over there! so we can start saving FASTER! Because by jove we shall have him immigrated come hell or high water. Since this is Holland it'll most likely be high water... although fundamentalists swear it'll be hell.

Personally i think they are both wrong. The employed peoples of the country will tear this place apart until the gov't swears to lower taxes!!! Well, the employed peoples will at least write lists, organise and "see what the possibilities are"

hmph.

FOOD PORN

Hey Mary, I did post over at the food blog... hope you get your fix ;)

Today is a gloriously beautiful day, everything feels great. It's a bit barf-worthy. Have a great weekend everyone!

oh, another couple hundred grams off which is great. It's in the right direction at least and yada yada slow & steady wins the race but dammit i will get more!

ah ha!

sore throats successfully counteracted! HUZZAH now... what to bake/cook on saturday. Depends on finances but if there's budget I want to try a rack of lamb. Perhaps chocolate tortes for dessert? Mmmmm good. Only time shall tell.

Kevertje

I had planned to sell my car in order to get the funds for school in september since there would be no need for him to stay parked for the year that I was away and it's a practical way to come up with the money without taking a student loan.

Unfortunately life sometimes has other plans than we do! School has been put on hold but my car, named kevertje (little beetle) was sold on saturday morning. I miss him already!!

Being practical is not fun, I have to say but if we want to get to Canada it means all our money must go into savings, not repairing M's car so the combined trade of his + mine gets him a new car with 2 year complete coverage with no regard to km's and that's what we need. His car, now 5yrs old has 250,000km on it so it will only need a lot of maintenance and maintenance costs euros... euros we would rather put towards immigration.

School becoming 2nd priority, I still REALLY want to go but If I want to make the september enrollment, I have to find student loans from somewhere.

All this stress of finances and what to do is taking its toll, M and I both woke up with sore throats this morning! UH OH!

owo owww

I've been hobbling around like a 120 yr old woman since friday night... ow ow ow ow my quads! bloody monkey balls!

Aside from the searing pain, 6 meals a day makes me very very happy. Yes indeed. nom nom nom nom burn that fat off, BURN!

Going to lay down and pout now. Happy sunday!

ungh

I don't recommend going to sleep at 03:30. This morning I put the undies on, went to put on socks and instead put on a second pair of undies then stood there wondering why my feet were cold.

*sigh*

ya just have to shake your head and laugh at life sometimes.

A sad state of running affairs

As title may suggest, the first 'run' can barely be considered that. Oh lordy it was awful! 300m passes and my heart is threatening to leave my chest entirely.

Not so good. Had to walk quite a lot, ran another 400m and after 1.5km I just called it a night. Will give it another go tonight. Plenty of room for improvement here people. The husband seems to think my body will remember quite quickly and pick it all back up, I can only hope that's true!

whew! Only logical thing to do is keep going and see where we end up. There is a 10k in may i was thinking of signing up for but I'm not so sure that running 700m now and 10k 16 weeks from now is going to work all that well.

If I make it, it'll have to be one hell of a strenuous training regimen.

Can it be done? It remains to be seen.

Of course Lixue says....

"mommy even if you don't make it i love you and thas the only ting what mattahs... ME"

Good stuff!

Jadey, It was fantastically delicious! You can read about it HERE.

So total for the week comes to -2.5kg, WOOT. It's hard to believe we've been home a whole week now, back into a regular routine... well, almost regular. I'm still smoking which will be addressed as soon as I'm ready to address it. Besides the smoking, my gym going is not yet 100% regular yet.

Spent most of the week printing out and filling out then double checking all the immigration paperwork for sponsoring M and after having done it, had him tell me that there's a chance he can get through by way of a Vancouver branche of one of his current clients *fingers crossed* Still a while to go yet.

He will very likely spend most of Feb training in Denmark so I'll have some alone time which will be nice!

Over the holidays I finally found a decent pair of runners which is great but i've not run for a month? over a month now? I will begin again with trepidation but am also really looking forward to it! I was only up to 3k but hopefully won't have to start over from the very beginning. Want to stay motivated and passionate about the runs, not feel frustrated.

Of course there will be a certain element of frustration, it's always harder going with a few extra kg's on the frame. Slowly but surely it'll be off again and I'll be back on the downward slope towards goal.


I wanted to be finished by march 31st but previous date setting proves to have a complete opposite effect on my psyche. I end up gaining. So, body, I tell you now with utmost honesty: NO PRESSURE. Just continue to do your glorious thing.


There is so much more but that's enough for now, hope you all had a smashing good weekend

kusjes xxx

not quite jetlag

I thought the problem was jetlag, causing me to feel crap and sleep all day but lo and behold, as it turns out I'm just insanely homesick and it's making me depressed!

Well then, awareness sure comes in handy but I'd never say it was a walk in the park.

16hr sleeps, not caring about anything, not having much of an appetite except to scoff whatever is in hands reach at bedtime. All very unusual behaviours for me. The only thing keeping me truly sane at this point is the gym visits.

I'm starting to realise that 3 days/week is not nearly enough in this emotional state.

I could benefit from at least 30min every single day to help raise myself back up. I've dragged myself out of a deep depression once before using food and exercise and forcing myself to think differently (all while acknowledging the pain as it needed to be acknowledged, of course) so I sure as hell can do it again!

From here on in 30-60min of concentrated effort every single day, no more 16hr sleeps, positive internal truths.

Also, QUICHE! It has been too long since I spent some quality time with my kitchen and that always cheers me up. Plus, for xmas I asked for some tart pans with removable bottoms and got them! It's time to test those bitches out.

Quiche it is then! Smoked salmon & asparagus quiche!

I suppose the scale showing -2kg so far for the week does secretly make me dance a little on the inside. Only a few more to go and I'll be all caught up after holiday gains!

Which reminds me, there should be a ticker here so it's easier to track.

I've been trying to think of where to begin because I've been blogging for so long. Nothing like a shiny fresh slate to start over, it can be about anything at all! I suppose my blog will be the usual nothing in particular.

I've had reno blogs, weight blogs, cooking blogs - still have that one actually, www.justapinch.blogspot.com - and I thought now would be a good time to shmoosh them all together in 1 place. Well, the cooking blog will remain separate but otherwise this is the place for it all to happen!

If you don't know me you can check out my interests in the profile section but I think most of you coming here already know all that stuff! You know I've struggled with being an immigrant, slowly but surely came to accept the reality that things don't happen overnight no matter how big a tantrum i throw, went through some intensive therapies in 2006, lost a chunk of weight (but am not finished) in 2007 and will continue to live day to day while getting things sorted through 2008!

I suppose since it's already the end of the month part of me doesn't believe I can slap down some resolutions, on new years I wasn't thinking at all about anything other than how can I stay on the island. My 2008 resolution was simple: Immigrate with M -the husband- to Van Island.

I've lived in Europe for my entire adult life (minus the 1yr stint living on Canada's west coast) and have come to settle in this quirky, tiny, Dutch country all of 7+yrs ago.

My big "thing" for 2008 was to save up for school in september but that is no longer on the agenda, immigration now takes priority! I WANT to get there.

In the meantime there are the residual kilotjes to be discarded of, the perpetual empty wallet issue to be addressed, the stinky ciggie habit i've become reacquainted with since being on holiday and last but not least, the fact that i'm out of coffee.

Off to the shop then. kusjes xxx

That's better. Dark print on light background, much easier to read.

Can't believe I've been blogging 5 odd years and am now back to the original blog. Funny how things work out!

I'm one helluva happy woman.

That's the hopeless optimist... of course my Dove would say there is no such thing as hopeless & optimist living in the same sentence. She's a special kinda gal she is!

Here we are, 2008. What to do, what to do?

Back...

To where it all began!

Still working on the colours. Let me know if it's easy to read the black font on the green background or not.

Now, where to start?